I was talking to my husband about going to a ministry event today. I told him I felt so different going to this one than I have to ones in the past. In the last few months I have faced depression, problems with my kids, bitterness and hurt, and dealt with past demons I never thought I would see again. Through it all I can see how God is using it to change me into someone He can use, someone who will follow Him instead of trying to lead Him. That one point is the key I think. A few weeks ago, my pastor made the point that at some point in your walk with Jesus you reach a point where you have to decide. You have to choose. Are you going to continue trying to lead for God, or are you going to follow God?
I told my husband I think I am at that point in my life. Old hurts are healing. God is revealing Himself to me in little ways each day. It is up to me to make time for Him, and look for Him. I know I have pulled back in some areas, but I know God can still use me. I’ve begun to realize I can not do things the way I want to, and have the results I desire. I can’t keep leading the way.
For so long I prayed for boldness because I had none. I got too much, and went to prideful and uncompassionate on many levels. God has taken me, and pulled me back. He’s begun showing me the path of destruction I was headed down. He is good though. He has stopped me, and is beginning to pick up the pieces, and put me back together so I can accomplish His desires.
So today I am going to an event where there are going to be people dealing with major issues and trying to just keep their heads above water right now. I will pray with any who want me to pray, but this time I will not pray as if I have the answers and they just need to get on board. This time, I will pray as one just as broken and needing God just as much, a fellow traveler down the road so to speak.
I keep hearing this phrase lately- broken and poured out. Maybe it is what is happening with my soul. I don’t know. I do know whatever may come, God is the only one who can do what needs to be done. I am only a part of it, but I can do nothing without Him, all of Him.
I hear the verse: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” so much. When I’ve said this most of the time I’ve really meant, “I’ve made up my mind what I am going to do, and God will help me do it.” That’s not what I think it means anymore. Now it means, “Without Christ guiding me and strengthening me I can do nothing.” I hope you see the difference, and I hope you see the difference in me.
“If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”- Matthew 16:24
