I was talking to my husband about going to a ministry event today. I told him I felt so different going to this one than I have to ones in the past. In the last few months I have faced depression, problems with my kids, bitterness and hurt, and dealt with past demons I never thought I would see again. Through it all I can see how God is using it to change me into someone He can use, someone who will follow Him instead of trying to lead Him. That one point is the key I think. A few weeks ago, my pastor made the point that at some point in your walk with Jesus you reach a point where you have to decide. You have to choose. Are you going to continue trying to lead for God, or are you going to follow God?

I told my husband I think I am at that point in my life. Old hurts are healing. God is revealing Himself to me in little ways each day. It is up to me to make time for Him, and look for Him. I know I have pulled back in some areas, but I know God can still use me. I’ve begun to realize I can not do things the way I want to, and have the results I desire. I can’t keep leading the way.

For so long I prayed for boldness because I had none. I got too much, and went to prideful and uncompassionate on many levels. God has taken me, and pulled me back. He’s begun showing me the path of destruction I was headed down. He is good though. He has stopped me, and is beginning to pick up the pieces, and put me back together so I can accomplish His desires.

So today I am going to an event where there are going to be people dealing with major issues and trying to just keep their heads above water right now. I will pray with any who want me to pray, but this time I will not pray as if I have the answers and they just need to get on board. This time, I will pray as one just as broken and needing God just as much, a fellow traveler down the road so to speak.

I keep hearing this phrase lately- broken and poured out. Maybe it is what is happening with my soul. I don’t know. I do know whatever may come, God is the only one who can do what needs to be done. I am only a part of it, but I can do nothing without Him, all of Him.

I hear the verse: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” so much. When I’ve said this most of the time I’ve really meant, “I’ve made up my mind what I am going to do, and God will help me do it.” That’s not what I think it means anymore. Now it means, “Without Christ guiding me and strengthening me I can do nothing.”  I hope you see the difference, and I hope you see the difference in me.

“If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.”- Matthew 16:24

I’m at a loss.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

I’ve been tossing so many ideas around in my head lately. Thinking about what the “right” thing to do is in certain situations, and fighting with what I “want” to do instead. As I’ve been listening to my pastor’s sermons lately I’ve been really convicted over things in my life. I have come to realize how little I thought I knew. I’ve been faced with  looking in the mirror at a person I hardly know anymore. I’ve been challenged to put up or shut up when it comes to following Christ, and my mind is warring against itself.

Every morning for the last three weeks I have woke up and thought, “Today is going to be different.” But so far, I’ve had three weeks of the same ole’ same ole’. In my mind I see myself getting my house in order. I see the kids, not fighting me so much. I see me getting back studying my Bible and spending time in prayer. Instead as the day winds down, I look back on a messy house, and grumpy kids, no time spent studying or praying, and once again I feel like a failure.

What is going on? Why is it so hard lately? I feel like I am in a battle in my mind 24/7. Last night was the first night I have gotten a decent nights sleep in almost a month, and even then I still had crazy dreams. It’s like I’m too exhausted to care about anything anymore. Yet, at the same time, things are making me more anxious than ever. I just don’t know what to do.

I did get some time yesterday to finally listen to my pastor’s sermon from this past Sunday, and I was faced with a hard truth. Maybe it is one of the reasons I have been struggling so much.

He said there are certain lines a follower of Christ can cross in his walk with Christ.

1. You have to realize you need Jesus. He is your Savior.
2. You want to follow Jesus as long as it is comfortable. (Ouch.)
3. You reach the point you are willing to stop leading for Him, and you lay down your life to follow Him.

If I was truthful, I would say I am stuck on #2. Whenever things get uncomfortable, I start questioning God. I start thinking maybe He is waiting on me to make everything alright. Which leads into the first part of #3. I seem to only want to lead for Him. I’m not so good at following when I don’t know what’s going to happen.

In John 21:22 Jesus is talking to Peter and says:

If I will that he (John) tarry til I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.

So many times I’m just like Peter. I want to know the outcome of what God is calling me toward before I ever undertake it. I also want to know I am not alone. I want to know what others are doing, and I want to make sure if I am having to sacrifice, then others are too. But Jesus doesn’t call us to be like that. After all, He basically tells Peter, “What’s it to you if John lives forever? I told you what I want you to do.” He’s telling us to trust Him when we can’t see the next step. (Exactly where I am right now.)  He’s telling us to travel the narrow road. He’s telling us to give up everything and follow Him. He’s calling us to a place we can not get to on our own. He’s calling us into His presence.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said:

When Christ calls a man, He bids him, Come and die.

Maybe that is what these last few weeks have been for me, a reawakening in my soul and a dying of my fleshly desires. Maybe all these struggles have been to show me I am nothing without Christ. Maybe He is calling me to let go of bondages and die to my sinfulness.

Galatians 2:20:

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Maybe this time I am going through is like a refining fire. Maybe He is burning the dross off. Maybe I will be more like Him when all of this is done. I pray so. Right now, I just want to get through this. The old song “Trust and Obey” comes to mind.

“Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”

Like I said, where the rubber meets the road…