I think going to church this past Sunday messed me up.  Well, actually the last two Sundays, but this past one has been harder for me. I can’t get the disciple Peter out of my mind. Our pastor, Chris, focused on a switch in Peter’s life, one where he went from feeling remorse and guilt to having true repentance and being able to move on.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I’ve felt so much guilt, shame, frustration, you name it, over things in my life, and I’ve just never been able to let them go. Last Friday when everything hit the fan with one of my sons I began to realize I have to give everything to God. I can’t keep trying to fix things on my own. Then Sunday Chris talked about the difference between Judas and Peter. He made the comment, “Yeah, Judas was filled with guilt and grief over what he had done, and he decided he had to fix it himself, again. So he hung himself.  Some of you out there feel extremely guilty over things in your past and you’re trying to fix it on your own. How’s that working out for ya?” Ouch.

The difference is remorse versus repentance.

It all started to click a little at a time, and in fact I am still putting pieces together. But I began to realize I’ve been very remorseful of a lot of things. But, I haven’t truly given it to God and said only you can do this. I’ve haven’t experienced true repentance for a lot of things.

Pride is a horrible thing. There is a reason it was the first sin in heaven. I’ve always been quick to point out pride in others, and quick to admit I fall victim to it myself. But I’ve never done what was necessary to begin slaying the beast. I’ve never handed the sword over to the only one who can kill it. I’ve continually insisted on trying to poke at it myself. Now I know, I was never meant to slay this dragon. It is something only God can do. So in order to kill it, I have to let another fight it. I just have to be willing to do whatever God tells me to.

To live is self, to die is gain. I have to give up wanting things my way, and getting upset when they don’t turn out that way. Thank God, He knows where I am at and loves me anyway. Thank God, He is willing to meet me where I am. Thank God, He is willing to remind me of my purpose. Thank God, as much as I screw things up, He forgives me.

He is here right beside me willing to lead me places I have never dared dream. All I have to do is trust Him. I know that. Now comes the hard part…doing it.