Got this devotion in my email this morning. I really needed it. It’s from “Girlfriends in God” and by Mary Southerland.

Can we really trust God?
Mary Southerland

Today’s Truth
Romans 8:28 (NIV) “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Friend to Friend
A daughter was telling her mother how everything was going wrong. “I am failing Algebra. My boyfriend just broke up with me, and my best friend is moving away,” she wailed. Her mom listened patiently and then asked, “I made a cake for dinner. Would you like a snack?” The girl grinned and said, “Sure, Mom. I love your cake.” The mom smiled and asked, “How about some cooking oil?” The daughter looked surprised at the offer and responded with a loud “Yuk!” The mom tried again, “How about a couple of raw eggs?” With a look of confusion, the daughter said, “Gross, Mom!” With a smile, the mother offered, “Would you like some flour or maybe a cup of baking soda?” The daughter responded, “Mom, all of those things are gross!” The mother cut a piece of cake and placed it on a plate with a fork. As she handed the delicious snack to her daughter, she explained, “Honey, all of those things seem bad when you think about eating them alone, but when they are put together in the right way, they make a delicious cake.”

God often works the same way. We sometimes wonder why He allows us to go through such difficult times, but when God puts everything in the right order, they work out for our good. We just have to trust Him to do so. I will never forget the day I learned how God really can turn tragedy into triumph. I was sitting at my desk, working on an assignment from the counselor I had been seeing. For months, I had been wrestling with my past – slowly, methodically working through painful issues and buried memories that seemed to be feeding the clinical depression I was battling. As page after page filled with harsh realities, a memory slammed into my heart and mind.

The pain was overwhelming as a vile scene from my childhood slowly took shape. I could hardly breathe as I frantically tried to escape the certainty I had been molested. The perpetrator had been our family doctor and a trusted friend. He had even provided free medical treatment when we couldn’t pay for it. I trusted him, counted on him. As a nurse, my mother worked beside this man every day and often babysat his children to earn extra money.

Anger unlike any I had ever known fueled violent thoughts of revenge and retaliation. I was angry with this man – and angry with God. How could He have let this happen? Where was the light in this dark place?

For months, I worked through painful memories and raging emotions until I saw the first glimmer of light. It was wrapped in chosen forgiveness. I began to see that had I never been wounded so badly, I would never have been able to forgive so freely – and in doing so, discover a depth of healing and freedom only the greatest pain can produce. Today, I can honestly thank God for all He has accomplished in me through the sin of that man.

There are no accidents with God, nor is He surprised by anything or anyone in the life of His child. God uses even the most horrendous circumstances for our good. Every circumstance comes to us for a purpose, bound by God’s love and plan and faithfully delivered with His permission. While we cannot go back and change our past, we can change the way we respond to our past and determine how much power it has in our lives today.

Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one. He is waiting for you to let go of your pain and trust Him. And you really can. No one loves you like He does. You may not always understand or even like His process, but you can always trust His heart of love for you.

Let’s Pray
Father, I choose to believe You are faithful and will do what You promise to do in Your Word. I believe that when I lay the pain and hurt of my past at Your feet, You can and will transform it all into something beautiful. I choose to believe You will turn the broken places of my life into living illustrations of Your sufficiency and healing power.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

As usual around here things have been up and down. We’ve had some fantastic days and some not-so fantastic days. I don’t know how much of it is stress or just getting older, but things are changing for me. I’ve also wondered if some of the problems I have been having are due to struggling in my spiritual walk with God.

Since the beginning of the year I have been struggling to attend church. Well, honestly, I haven’t been struggling. Most Sundays I would just as soon not go. I’m hardly reading my Bible or praying for anything other than a prayer request I have received.

If I were honest, I would say my time with Jesus is pretty low on my list of priorities right now, and I can’t really tell you why.

There is no connection with anyone, anywhere for more than superficial support.  No one to be there with me on the journey who will help hold me accountable. But truthfully, that is nothing new. I have people around me to talk with, but not that one person who prods me to move forward.  Usually, I’m that person to other people.

So I need to step up and do it by myself, at least for the time being. There’s no real motivation though. It’s like losing weight. In my head I know it’s the right thing to do, but yet here I sit eating M&Ms at the computer.  It’s the same way with Jesus, that head and heart knowledge. The head knowledge allows you to know what is wrong, but it’s the heart knowledge which moves you to do something about it and cry out to Jesus fully accepting Him as your savior.

I know all the things I need to do. I even bought another book to help encourage me. Yet, here I sit empty…nothing…at all. No motivation, no desire, nothing. Just another list of got to do’s.

Is all this to ask one of the questions I fear the most, have I had Jesus in my life all these years, or just another case of religion?

Is that why I keep messing up? Having these ups and downs? Is this just a low point I will be out of soon, or is this reality? Will I be one Jesus points to and says, “I knew you not.”?  But aren’t I just looking at things from a “works-based” religion when I judge things from that perspective?

Seems like I know just enough to be dangerous, and not enough to make a difference.

Lord,

You know my heart. You know my struggles. Help me. I am lost, again. I need your help. Give me the heart you desire for me to have. Open my eyes to see you. Open my ears to hear you. Help me find quiet, even in the busyness of my life, to hear you speak.  I want a heart change. I need you more in my life. I know I have let you down. Please forgive me.

In Jesus’ name I pray.

Amen.

I need a revelation…